I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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