also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
