sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
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My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
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Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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