Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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