Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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