Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
