i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Randomize
