I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
