just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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