I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
