Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
