On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM VODKA MAN
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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