Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
