Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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