you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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