when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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