At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She needs sedatives and a leash
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
