Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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