I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
