I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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