I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I will be naked everywhere
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
