Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
