I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
