hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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