I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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