Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
