moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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