I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
