Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
