Your face is a jimmy john
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
