I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
