Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out