Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
