overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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