I'm going to jail i love you
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
