I want to have your abortion
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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