Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
