I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
