I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
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I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
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I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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