it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
