even my farts smell like vagina
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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