A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
We named our party play list daddy issues
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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