Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
