it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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