i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Randomize
