Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Is Oprah even human
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
