Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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