To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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