So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
