He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
