it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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